Divorce is Hard...I Hope You Never Have to go Through it.

A while back, I was watching someone I love dearly go through a divorce.  He was in pain and I blamed and judged his ex, who I also loved.  I tried very hard not to judge, for a very long time, but one day she asked for my opinion, and I judged, harshly.  I threw things at her that we both knew she already knew and probably regretted and had already beaten herself up about.   And she responded with something like “Divorce is very hard.  And I’ve tried really hard and done the best I could do through those darkest moments.  I hope you never have to go through it.”  I can’t even wrap my head around how much of an understatement that was.  And then I beat myself up a little for kicking her while she was down.  

Years later, I went through my own divorce and darkest moments.  And I let myself crumble a few times and made very painful mistakes, some that I will never forgive myself for.  I was numb for a year, and breathless and dizzy and lost and angry and sad and trying to charge through all of that like a warrior, with my children in tow, determined to get us all through it, not just fairly unscathed, but better off because of it.  It was an even bigger challenge than it sounds.

I apologized to her, and told her how often her words rang in my head every time I tried to talk myself into forgiving myself for my darkest times and weakest moments.  The ones that inevitably come from the devastating failure and heartbreak of shattering your perfect family and giving up on happily ever after.   I felt sincerely terrible for adding insult to her injuries.  She was graciously forgiving and grateful for my long overdue understanding.  And so sorry that I was going through it.  

“Divorce is very hard.”  And for a very long time, it gets harder and harder.  Giving up on my lover was hard as hell.  Shattering my family was gut wrenching and life changing and often, seemingly unforgivable.  It was by far, the greatest casualty of this war.  Memories of our happy family still haunt me every single day.  And in those dark moments of my post-divorce life, when our new family dynamic took my kids away from me for days at a time, and we missed each other terribly, I wallowed in failure and guilt and cold, heartless, bad decisions.  When I wasn’t devastated, I was numb.   

But I have some feeling coming back now.  I’ve seen smiles return on my kids faces.  I’ve heard most of them tell me that they understand now.   I’ve listened to my oldest son vow to find a great love and treat her right so that he never loses her.  I’ve watched in awe as my teenage daughter chose a first love who oozes genuinely good intentions for her and isn’t afraid to tell her.  I watched my children watch and admire genuinely good men and learn the true meaning of selflessness and “love it or lose it”.  And just like that, two years and many regrets later, it was not all in vain.  

I’ve been dreaming about healing for years now.  But I think I’m ready.  I think I can muster up enough faith in my family’s strength and resilience to forgive myself for ever asking them to take on this fight in the first place.  ( And I believe I can thank myself for that.)  I think I’ve finally convinced them that when I said “trust me, we are all going to be ok” over and over and over again (with tears in my eyes), I meant it, and I was right.  I know they know, that in my life, they are first and foremost.  

It is very healing.  It’s much easier to forgive myself knowing that there is a good chance my children will forgive me.  It’s much easier to imagine letting another man love me knowing that my children believe that I deserve that.  It’s much easier to imagine letting myself love, wholeheartedly again, knowing that my 4 little hearts are mending again.  

“Divorce is hard.  I hope you never have to go through it.”