Kindergarten

And I don't feel feel bad about it, either

It’s back to school time! Not a moment too soon (and about three weeks too late.) And while so many of you are wondering “where has the summer gone?” I can tell you that it over-stayed its welcome at our house. But I survived summer vacation, and as a reward, I get to send another child off to kindergarten. That’s two down, and two to go. But who’s counting? (I am.)

While I feel somewhat obligated to pretend that I am sad and weepy to be sending another of my babies off on their own into the great big, unknown world of kindergarten, I am not. I have had mild bouts of guilt over it (very mild), induced by so many other sweet mothers who are heartbroken and find it “so hard” to send their child off to school and who will miss them terribly, or who can’t figure out where the time has gone or how their baby got so big. But after spending the summer completely smothered by my four lovely children, with a very few-and-far-between moment of peace and quiet or even a chance to sit down, that bus couldn’t get here fast enough. And it took everything I had not to allow my 2-year-old to follow his brother onto that bus as he insisted he was going to school too.

After sending the kids off this morning, with still not so much as a lump in my throat, I asked their father why I don’t feel the way those other moms feel when they send their babies to kindergarten. He said they feel that way because, “it’s obviously either their first kid, their last kid, or their only kid.” I think he’s right. I was chatting with one of these sad kindergarten moms who had sent her firstborn off this morning. Our other children were napping and she was saying that it was too quiet and she was feeling lonely during nap time. I was not lonely during nap time. I was blissful.

I often worry that I take some of this mothering stuff for granted because I am blessed with four children and the privilege of being a stay-at-home mom, with them, every day, all day. I have been in the baby and diaper phase for so long now that I haven’t even had a chance to wonder where my baby has gone. I was pregnant so much that by the time I hit my fourth pregnancy, the process had gone from a beautiful, miraculous, enjoyable blessing to a serious pain in the ass! I have been a stay-at-home mom for so long that I just can’t help jumping for joy when a few kids start school and won’t be staying at home with me every day. And I spend so much time (every waking moment) trying to fulfill all of their needs and plenty of their wants that I cannot imagine ever shedding a single tear at the idea of them not needing me anymore. (I’m sure that will change some day.)

And this morning, as I stood at the bus stop with my little boy, I wasn’t scared or nervous for him. I was excited for his new adventure. I wasn’t worrying about how he would possibly get through this big day without me. I was confident because I know he is ready, and he is going to be awesome. I wasn’t sad because he insisted that I could NOT go to school with him. I gave myself a pat on the back for raising such an independent boy. I wasn’t wondering where my little boy went. I was eager to see where this new adventure will take him. And as I gave him one last gentle nudge to stop sucking his thumb before he got on that bus, his dad gave me a gentle nudge to back off. He’s (still) just our little boy, no matter how big he gets.

I adore my kids. I live and breath for them and I would do anything and everything for them (and I do.) But it doesn’t break my heart to watch them grow up and be able to fend for themselves. It flatters me. I am not disappointed when they grow capable and independent. I’m proud. And the silence of nap time is not lonesome. It is soothing.

I am really enjoying the opportunity to get to know my two youngest loves a little better with some rare one-on-one time. And I have had some fascinating conversations with myself now that I can hear myself think from time to time. And I confess, I miss my kids. But I really, really, appreciate the opportunity to miss them, rather than having to lock myself in the bathroom just to get away from them for five minutes. I can’t wait to hear all about their day, and then send them off to do it all again tomorrow! Back to school is my new favorite time of year.