What's the C-word?

My 8-year-old has a crush on a boy band. Watching her get a little twinkle in her eye over everything One Direction makes me want to break out my New Kids on the Block cassette and stare at their full-size cardboard cutout. (Don’t judge me.) I totally get it. It’s so dreamy to pretend that these cute boys are as charming as they sound in their songs and that they would be the best boyfriend ever! Jordan Knight was my very first imaginary knight in shining armor, once upon a time.

But, the other day, she came home and presented me with this question:

“Mommy, one of my friends told me that one of the boys from One Direction swore at a group of his fans. He called them the c-word. What does that mean?”

At that moment, the mother in me was eager to ground that young boy and forbid him from being a pop star ever again. The proud, self-respecting, furious, speechless women in me wanted to throw something at him. And it wasn’t just that he has it coming for being so unacceptably rude and vulgar to a group of young, starry-eyed, adoring, and impressionable girls, but it was more so because my daughter asked me a question whose answer was too despicable to utter. Thanks a lot, you little [bleep].

I refused to answer the question. (I couldn’t have, even if I wanted to.) I told her that because she is a sweet, kind, young girl, she didn’t deserve to know that word. All she needs to know is that this boy is NOT cool (that’s as nicely as I could put it.)

She wasn’t happy that I was knocking one her boys off of his pedestal. But I wasn’t about to cut this kid any slack. I’m not one of those moms who is ultra-sensitive to the trampy attire of Miley Cyrus and the like. And I’m willing to face the tough Demi Lovato inspired “What is rehab?” question. I think these are some teachable moments for my daughter to learn about self respect and self control, and about being who are are, and not trying to be who someone else is. I think she gets it. (I pray she gets it.)

But I have no tolerance for THAT word. It’s a word that people use when they want to be as vile and disrespectful to a women as they can possibly be. It’s a word that they know is going to sting on a whole other level. It’s despicable and unacceptable. So while I won’t fill in the blanks for her, I will happily explain to her that when she does learn THAT word, she too, should not tolerate it. I will tell her that this boy doesn’t deserve her admiration, or the admiration of those fans whom he insulted (to say the least.) 

She seems a little disappointed in the boy. But she tells me that he apologized (I’m sure he did, they always do), and looks at me like she would like to forgive him, but needs my approval. All I can do is imagine this conversation happening in seven or eight years, only this time we are talking about her actual boyfriend instead of her imaginary boyfriend.

It feels like a pivotal moment. I want to teach forgiveness, and I want her to NOT tolerate THAT word. I suggest that while she may still enjoy the music, that boy doesn’t deserve the bubble, the pedestal, an ounce of her admiration, or a moment of her time. Take him for what he’s worth; a catchy tune.  But peg him for what he is, a little (bleep)!

Kindergarten

And I don't feel feel bad about it, either

It’s back to school time! Not a moment too soon (and about three weeks too late.) And while so many of you are wondering “where has the summer gone?” I can tell you that it over-stayed its welcome at our house. But I survived summer vacation, and as a reward, I get to send another child off to kindergarten. That’s two down, and two to go. But who’s counting? (I am.)

While I feel somewhat obligated to pretend that I am sad and weepy to be sending another of my babies off on their own into the great big, unknown world of kindergarten, I am not. I have had mild bouts of guilt over it (very mild), induced by so many other sweet mothers who are heartbroken and find it “so hard” to send their child off to school and who will miss them terribly, or who can’t figure out where the time has gone or how their baby got so big. But after spending the summer completely smothered by my four lovely children, with a very few-and-far-between moment of peace and quiet or even a chance to sit down, that bus couldn’t get here fast enough. And it took everything I had not to allow my 2-year-old to follow his brother onto that bus as he insisted he was going to school too.

After sending the kids off this morning, with still not so much as a lump in my throat, I asked their father why I don’t feel the way those other moms feel when they send their babies to kindergarten. He said they feel that way because, “it’s obviously either their first kid, their last kid, or their only kid.” I think he’s right. I was chatting with one of these sad kindergarten moms who had sent her firstborn off this morning. Our other children were napping and she was saying that it was too quiet and she was feeling lonely during nap time. I was not lonely during nap time. I was blissful.

I often worry that I take some of this mothering stuff for granted because I am blessed with four children and the privilege of being a stay-at-home mom, with them, every day, all day. I have been in the baby and diaper phase for so long now that I haven’t even had a chance to wonder where my baby has gone. I was pregnant so much that by the time I hit my fourth pregnancy, the process had gone from a beautiful, miraculous, enjoyable blessing to a serious pain in the ass! I have been a stay-at-home mom for so long that I just can’t help jumping for joy when a few kids start school and won’t be staying at home with me every day. And I spend so much time (every waking moment) trying to fulfill all of their needs and plenty of their wants that I cannot imagine ever shedding a single tear at the idea of them not needing me anymore. (I’m sure that will change some day.)

And this morning, as I stood at the bus stop with my little boy, I wasn’t scared or nervous for him. I was excited for his new adventure. I wasn’t worrying about how he would possibly get through this big day without me. I was confident because I know he is ready, and he is going to be awesome. I wasn’t sad because he insisted that I could NOT go to school with him. I gave myself a pat on the back for raising such an independent boy. I wasn’t wondering where my little boy went. I was eager to see where this new adventure will take him. And as I gave him one last gentle nudge to stop sucking his thumb before he got on that bus, his dad gave me a gentle nudge to back off. He’s (still) just our little boy, no matter how big he gets.

I adore my kids. I live and breath for them and I would do anything and everything for them (and I do.) But it doesn’t break my heart to watch them grow up and be able to fend for themselves. It flatters me. I am not disappointed when they grow capable and independent. I’m proud. And the silence of nap time is not lonesome. It is soothing.

I am really enjoying the opportunity to get to know my two youngest loves a little better with some rare one-on-one time. And I have had some fascinating conversations with myself now that I can hear myself think from time to time. And I confess, I miss my kids. But I really, really, appreciate the opportunity to miss them, rather than having to lock myself in the bathroom just to get away from them for five minutes. I can’t wait to hear all about their day, and then send them off to do it all again tomorrow! Back to school is my new favorite time of year.

Have Kids. Trust me.

Whenever I hear someone say that they don’t think they want to have kids, my heart breaks for them a little bit. I feel sad for them. It’s hard to convey to someone who is on the fence about it, that while it is the hardest, most challenging, selfless, sacrificing, and under-appreciated thing you could do with your life, there is nothing better. Nothing.

My 8-year-old daughter often tells me that she doesn’t think she wants to have kids. She is the oldest of my four beauties and is obviously aware that being “Mommy” is A LOT of work. We have had negotiations that go something like this:

Me: “I think I deserve some grandchildren after all my hard work, don’t you?”
Daughter: “OK, maybe one kid.”
Me: “How about four kids?”
Daughter: “NO WAY! DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU?! I WOULD NEVER HAVE FOUR KIDS! THAT’S JUST CRAZY! NEVER!”

And there have been many long days when, after she has observed my tireless efforts and watched me collapse in exhaustion or heard me growl at the child who has just slapped me with the 3,274th juice request of the day, she gently reminds me that “It’s your fault for having four kids”, to which I muster up enough energy to emphatically respond; “What do mean ‘my fault’? I’m the luckiest mommy in the world! There is NOTHING else I would ever dream of doing. Nothing! This is the best!” I have told her many times, that each of their four natural childbirths were the most painful and torturous and wonderfully miraculous days of my life and I would do them all over again a hundred times just to have my children. I don’t know if she is convinced that I love my job, but I know that she knows that I love her.

I think that a lot of men, in particular, have a harder time convincing themselves that they are “ready” for fatherhood. Maybe it’s because they don’t have a uterus pulling on their heart strings in anticipation. I recall one night early in our relationship when the future father of my children and I were out with another couple and one of them asked us if we wanted to have kids. I responded quickly (just to be clear) “yes.” He responded, hesitantly (just to be unclear), “yeah … probably … I think.” He was, obviously, still in the process of convincing himself. The other night (nearly ten years and four kids later), I watched him watch as our two sons played together on the floor. He was in awe. And when he snapped out of it, he said, “I can't imagine what I ever thought i was going to do that would be better than this."  Four kids and a beautiful life later, he is convinced.

It is certainly a daunting task, and I can understand those who worry about screwing it up. After all, we have all screwed up, a lot. We are only human, and it is inevitable that we will make mistakes as parents, and screw up our own innocent and helpless offspring who never even asked to be here. The other day, I was talking to a young women who isn’t sure she wants kids. She said she worries about being the kind of parent her father has been. She told me a story about how her father taught her how to break a priest’s nose if one were to ever attempt to touch her inappropriately, and then he would force her to go to confession and sit across from her priest, alone and terrified and plotting her attempts to bust his nose if he got out of line. As a child, she was scared and rightfully resentful that her father would leave her alone with a potentially dangerous man, and as an adult she is understandably faithless and uncertain about the parenting skills she runs the risk of inheriting. And her well-intentioned father was simply trying to cleanse his daughters soul and protect her innocence.
The question is, how badly will we damage our children? Will our undying good intentions win out over our innate human imperfections? Will the obvious fact that I love and adore my children and that my world happily revolves around them, win out over the equally obvious fact that I am only human and sometimes, I get a bit tired and impatient and overwhelmed with trying to be the best mom that I can be? There are no guarantees, and it is scary.

But parenthood is extraordinary. Quite literally, there is nothing like it. You can’t even begin to understand how miraculous, challenging and life-changing it is until you have done it. You cannot prepare yourself for it and you could spend a lifetime waiting to be “ready” to do it.
If you want to know what to expect, expect the unexpected. If you need to feel more prepared first, prepare to be knocked off your feet. It is the hardest job you will ever love.

Life Lessons from Little House on the Prairie

I often find myself longing for the days of “Little House on the Prairie.” I realize that would mean that a common cold could result in a near death experience, but it might just be worth it to hear my children respond to my every request with a polite “Yes, ma’am.” And I think I would be OK with getting up at the crack of dawn to milk the cows and gather eggs rather than having to pack up four kids and drive to the store just for those two must-have items.

I have been trying, for years, to get any of my four children to watch and appreciate this epic saga as I did. So far, just the other night, my oldest daughter came out of her room in tears telling me that she finally watched some “Little House” and “a sweet puppy died and it was really, really sad” and demanded to know WHY I would make her watch something so sad!

While I feel bad that her first viewing experience was a bit heartbreaking, I believe it would serve my children well to discover a time when children had nothing but the clothes on their back and the love of their Ma and Pa, and felt like the luckiest kids in the world. I would love for them to see Laura Ingall’s face light up at the sight of a only single shiny penny in her Christmas stocking.

I want them to see kids who worked hard, really hard, for the greater good of the whole family, and they never complained. I want them to admire kids who never thought of themselves, who asked for nothing, and who felt genuine remorse if they NEEDED a pair of shoes or a new pencil because they knew and appreciated how very hard their Pa worked for his money.

I would love for my children to witness how much these children enjoyed life without television and cell phones and computers and how they could blissfully entertain themselves for hours and make up hundreds of games with a ball or a stick and a buddy or two.

I want them to take note of the fact that their chores thus far consist of feeding their pets, folding laundry and emptying the dishwasher, and if they are not careful, they could be out plowing fields, (or something equally laborious.)

I need them to appreciate the fact that while I am chauffeuring four kids all over town, to various activities, children used to walk three miles just to go fishing with their pal.

I want them to count their blessings that they have never been punished with a belt.

I think that they could learn a lot about how to turn the other cheek to a persistent bully, and how to push her down a hill in a wheelchair when she crosses the line and has it coming.

I want them to see and learn that money does not buy happiness or good manners.

I want them to have faith, even when life is full of struggles and sacrifice.

I want them to believe in “love at first sight” and “’til death do us part,” even when things are not always so “happily ever after.”

I want them to be more thankful for their beautiful life, but to know that life is full of hard knocks: pets die, young girls go blind, little sisters fall down an abandoned well, crops get destroyed, kids get trapped in snow storms while walking three miles home from school. And I want them to remember all of this when they are whining about their “annoying brothers” barging into their room all the time, or because I didn’t get the “sparkly” pencil case for back-to-school, or how I make them take the bus to school instead of driving them.

And perhaps most importantly, I want them to appreciate the values of a society that genuinely cared about its own. I want them to observe and believe in a “love thy neighbor/help thy neighbor/do unto others” kind of world. The kind where people actually live that way, rather than just preaching about it, and demanding that everyone else live that way, and constantly arguing over exactly which way is actually “the Lord’s way.”

We could all learn a lot from the Ingalls family and the residents of Walnut Grove. They were not easy times, but they were simpler, more compassionate times when nothing was taken for granted. In the wise words of Charles “Pa” Ingalls, “How can you ever know true happiness if you never feel real sorrow?”

About the Author

Mothering Without my Mother

A few days ago, I was at the playground with my children, surrounded by three lovely grandmothers who were out with their grandchildren. My 5-year-old was on the swings. I was coaching my 2-year-old up a ladder, when suddenly I saw all of the grandmothers lunge and gasp in one direction: toward the swings. I turned around just in time to see my son stand up, dust himself off, and say “I’m okay, Mom.” And all I could think in that moment was how happy my late mother would be if she could be here to have a mild panic attack watching her daring grandson fling himself off the swings.

Today is the third anniversary of my mother’s death. April 6, at 5:56 a.m. I can’t remember the exact time that each of my children were born, because I was too enamored with my new baby in my arms to hear a stranger tell me what time it was, but I will never forget the moment when one of my mother’s best friends announced her time of death right after we watched her take her last breath.

I gave my mother her very first (and dare I say, favorite) grandchild four years before she died. My daughter, Madeline, changed my mother’s life. She had spent her entire life searching for happiness and struggling to meet unrealistic expectations, some that were self-inflicted, and some that others had scarred her with. She just wanted to be good enough, and never felt like she was. But when she became “Grandma,” she was perfect. In my daughter’s eyes, Grandma could do no wrong. And that was all that mattered to her.

All of the sudden, her once heavy-hearted spirit was light and laughing, and her sad and worried eyes were twinkling and dancing. She had finally found the person who had no expectations of her, the person who would never find fault in her, the person she made blissfully happy without even trying. My mother was the ultimate grandmother. In fact, “grand” was an understatement.

One of the hardest things about watching someone slip away slowly over months and months, is watching so many other things slowly slip away with them. For me, it was “Grandma.” I thought I might be okay without “Mom” (and maybe someday I will), but I was not ready to lose Grandma, and I certainly was not prepared for my daughter to lose her very first best friend. One day, I sat at her bedside in the hospital showing her pictures from our family vacation and she asked me who the pretty little girl was. It was her beloved granddaughter. I was crushed. Grandma was gone. Her brain tumor had erased her grandchildren.

I have four children now, two of whom my mother never met. I told her about No. 3 as she laid on her death bed, right after we were told she wouldn’t make it through the night. I’ll never know if she heard me, but she did make it through that night. And my youngest daughter, little Ginger, is my mother’s namesake. She is so glowingly happy to be alive and here with us that I am convinced she is the keeper of her grandmother’s soul.

There are still the occasional days when I need my mother. But there is not a single day that goes by when I don’t desperately need my children’s grandmother.

A grandmother’s love is magical and enchanting. It is filled with ice cream and candy and laughter and song. Grandma’s house is where our children go to escape from the word “no.” Grandma’s house is where the world revolves around little people. Grandma’s house is where a 2-year-old gets to be in charge.

Grandma was my saving grace. She would eagerly babysit her grandchildren, and pretend that she was doing me a favor, when we both know she considered it a gift. Grandma loved my children as much as I do (maybe more, if that’s even possible.) Grandma was the one to listen to me whine about how my children drove me crazy and laugh in my face because I had it coming. Pay-back is a … grandchild.

It seems to me that while our children take ten years off our lives with worry and aggravation, grandchildren give them back with joy and celebration. I am so very thankful that I was able to make my mother a grandmother before she died. I owed it to her. And while I didn’t think it was possible, I think it helped me redeem myself after my rocky teen years. But now that she’s gone, I can’t help feeling like we have all been cheated.

Living without my mother is hard. Mothering without her is heartwrenching.

I Want a Guy..

Madeline: I want a guy who is tall and really hot and has gorgeous eyes and beautiful hair and who has some money and works hard and provides for our family but also makes time for his family and who supports me and whatever I want to do and who really loves me and is a really good father to our children.

Me: yes. That's exactly what you deserve. And don't give up until you find that.

This little declaration from my newly 13 year old daughter brought me some serious validation and peace of mind.  I don’t know how, at 13 years old, my girl has more wisdom than some of us will die wanting.  But I like to think I had something to do with it.  In fact, I like to think that her father and I, and our sincere but failed efforts to live happily ever after, taught her everything to do and not do.  

She is determined to have a hard working man who makes her feel safe and cared for.  Her father taught her that.  He has an unmatchable work ethic and knows how to earn and take very good care of his family.  His children want for nothing.  I mean, they’re kids, so they always want something.  But they have more than enough.  They’re childhood will never be forgotten.  

But that work ethic cost us at times.  My dad once told me, when I called him in tears because I was so lonely because my boyrfriend was a workaholic, “you can’t fault him for working hard.”  I’m not so sure that’s true.  There is a fine line between admirable and heartbreaking when a person puts work first.  Running a company may sound like a higher priority than pre-k graduations or t-ball games, but it’s not.  Part of that unforgettable childhood my children are having will be those memories of dad not showing up.  

She wants to have a family, because family is everything.  We’ve taught her that.  But she doesn’t want to be single-handedly responsible for parenting.  She will be a great mom who does anything for her kids, but she won’t be a stay at home mom who sacrifices EVERYTHING for the sake of her family.  She has plans.  Big plans.  And she’s gonna have it all.  But she has assured me that she believes that my staying home and raising our kids and putting myself last, always, made me happy, and was exactly what I wanted to be doing.  She knows I consider myself lucky to have had that opportunity.  She admires her dad for making it happen.  But she also sees me now, trying to get back on my feet without the help of a hard working man to provide for me.  She worries, and she is determined to never put herself in that position.  I taught her that.  I taught her to do what makes you happy, but to be self-sufficient, a lesson I learned the hard way.  And it was worth it, to give her the confidence and wisdom to know better. 

Say I Love You

Once when I was at my father’s parents house, I looked at my daughter and was so enamored with her that I grabbed her and smothered her with kisses and said “I love you so much.”  My grandmother told me that she was so happy to hear me say that to my daughter.  “Not all kids get to hear that, you know?”  I didn’t know.  How do parents resist that overwhelming urge smother their babies with love and adoration?  And in that moment, I realized how differently my parents were raised.  My father was raised by an adoring mother who knew the value of her words, and my mother was raised by a well intentioned, stern italian father who spoke more to criticize than to praise or adore.  And it showed.  

My mother struggled with words like “proud” and “love”.  Make no mistake, she mothered with pride and more love than I sometimes deserved, but saying those words out loud was usually more than she could muster.  It was as if no one taught them to her.  But she proved her undying love so certainly that it never even occurred to me to be miss the words.  On the contrary, my father won’t let me off the phone without an “i love you” exchange, and a few moments of gushing praise about how proud he is of the mother I am.  Yet I have only one vivid memory of my mother uttering such words.  It’s vivid because it was so rare, not because she was on her death bed.  

The last coherent thing my mother said to me was “I’m proud of the mother that you are to my grandchildren”.  It wasn’t exactly on her death bed, but she was in bed as she had just lost the use of her legs to a brain tumor and I’m sure she knew that the rest of her body probably wasn’t far behind.  She asked me to sit down and then said those very words, with a strength that, ironically enough, she didn’t have before her illness.   Maybe she knew her brain wasn’t going to let her remember who she loves, or what makes her so happy and proud.  Maybe her fading memory let her forget that she spent her lifetime struggling with the inner strength and self assurance to express her deepest thoughts without fear of shaming.   Whatever the reason, she said those words with a confidence and sincerity that only a terminal brain tumor could finally grow.   And those will forever be some of the most important words I have ever heard.  

It should be so easy to express our joys.  Yet we often spit out the more hurtful and scarring words without any thought or hesitation, and then choke on the words that we’d all love to hear.  Why do we hesitate to say the most beautiful things, the words that pull us closer, right by the heart strings?  If my parents are any indication, it is all about the parenting (isn’t everything?).  We have the power and responsibility to teach our children to love unabashedly.  We have to give them the confidence to express themselves without the irrational fear that love hurts.  We can’t burden them with a weakeness that has them grasping at a strength which can only be found on a deathbed.   You love them.  Tell them.  Tell them often.  Tell them to ensure that they will tell your grandbabies.  

The other day, my  5 year old caught me starting at him and said, “I know, I know, you love me.”  Yes, I say it so much it’s almost annoying, and I mean it, wholeheartedly, every single time.  

Love out loud.  It’s what the world needs now.